Where Have All the Mothers Gone?

Where have all the mothers gone? The neighborhoods are quiet. The houses are locked, the streets empty. Little hands and faces press up against day care windows and tears streak past fat pink cheeks in the early mornings as mothers drive away. School children return to cold, dark, empty houses in the afternoon. Mothers have gone away—some of them merely to find themselves, to be fulfilled.

Influence of the Mother

"But you are He who took me out of the womb; You made me trust when I was on my mother's breasts. I was cast upon you from birth. From my mother's womb You have been my God" (Ps. 22:9).

There exists between a mother and child a strong, mysterious and sacred bond that a man cannot enter or penetrate. The life of mother and child, intimately shared during the months of pregnancy and the hours, days and months of care following birth, make the mother-child relationship so profound that the father's influence on that child, though extremely important, can never equal or surpass the effect of the mother's.

In light of this truth and the powerful influences of the mother upon the child, how important it is that the mother-child relationship be given due respect and importance. How vital to the well-being of the child is the mother's awareness of her impact upon the child, resulting in an impact upon the family, church, and society. "Especially does responsibility rest upon the mother. She, by whose lifeblood the child is nourished and its physical frame built up, imparts to it also mental and spiritual influences that tend to the shaping of mind and character" (The Adventist Home, p. 240).

"For You have formed my inward parts; you have covered me in my mother's womb" (Ps 139:13).

Qualities

The qualities and characteristics of a mother are the drawing, binding properties of the heart that bring sympathy, joy, and love to the family and ripple beyond the family circle to the world beyond. The loss or absence of a mother's influence is profoundly felt in the family circle as well as in the larger social circle. C. S. Lewis, after losing his mother during his childhood, wrote of his deep loss in his book, Surprised by Joy: "With my mother's death all settled happiness, all that was tranquil and reliable, disappeared from my life. There was to be much fun, many pleasures, many stabs of Joy; but no more of the old security. It was sea and islands now; the great continent had sunk like Atlantis" (p. 13).

Scripture makes numerous analogies involving mothers. David understood the bond between mother and child and the loss of her presence when he stated, "I bowed down heavily, as one who mourns for his mother" (Ps 35:14). Again in Scripture we find a comparison of a mother's sympathy to that of God: "As one whom his mother comforts, so I will comfort you" (Isa 66:13).

The apostle Paul felt the influence and support of a mother who was not his own, but whose motherly love he counted on. "Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord, and his mother and mine" (Rom 16:13).

Influence

Women can exert a soft, steadying influence not only on their own children but on children in the larger Christian family and in the world outside their doors. Within the walls of every house a woman can make a home. To create beauty in an ugly world, to bring order from chaos, to bring hope, comfort and healing by a gentle touch—this is the work of a mother.

Through lies and deception he has skillfully worked at taking woman from the home where her great mission and ministry lie. "If you ignore your duty as a wife and mother and hold out your hands for the Lord to put another class of work in them, be sure that He will not contradict Himself; He points you to the duty you have to do at home. If you have the idea that some work greater and holier than this has been entrusted to you, you are under a deception" (The Adventist Home, p. 245).

You've Come a Long Way, Baby

Wives and mothers in America for nearly two centuries had been keepers of the home, nurturers of children, giving their largest and best share of time and attention to their families. But in the 1950s and 60s in America, voices such as that of Betty Friedan, mother of three and author of The Feminine Mystique (1963), were telling women that motherhood in the home involved boredom and a sense of emptiness.

Friedan told American mothers that they had been tricked by a conspiracy of sociologists, educators, magazine writers, child experts, marriage counselors, and ministers into accepting the idea that domesticity was the key to feminine fulfillment. She charged the suburban home with its husband and children with being nothing more than a "comfortable concentration camp." She failed to see meaning in a mother's home life.

In contrast, Ellen White pointed out that "the Christian mother's sphere of usefulness should not be narrowed by her domestic life. The salutary influence which she exerts in the home circle she may and will make felt in more widespread usefulness in her neighborhood and in the church of God. Home is not a prison to the devoted wife and mother" (The Adventist Home, p. 236).

Friedan contended that society "does not permit women to gratify their basic need to grow and fulfill their potentialities as human beings." She called for the removal of barriers that kept women at home and out of the "man's world." Her book became a best seller and rekindled the American feminist movement, which had previously subsided after its suffrage efforts resulted in women being granted the right to vote in America.

Discrimination

As a result of the rekindled feminist movement of recent decades, the domestic wife and mother has been discriminated against by feminists until society at large has begun to view the mother's work at home as unimportant and unfulfilling. This chain of events is no mistake. In light of the powerful influence of woman, it is no wonder that evil forces have sought to bring her down to a level where her influence for good diminishes. "Next to God, the mother's power for good is the strongest known on earth" (The Adventist Home, p. 240).

Twentieth century woman became convinced that her role as mother in the home was unfulfilling. Such is the result of listening to worldly voices. "The mother should not be governed by the world's opinion, nor labor to reach its standard" (The Adventist Home, p. 267).

To a woman with a superficial understanding of her mission and ministry in the home, the carrying out of household tasks and the physical care of children can certainly, in themselves, become boring and empty. Perhaps this is the crucial difference between the secular woman and the Christian woman. The secular woman sees domesticity as an end in itself, but the Christian woman sees it as a means to an end. The Christian mother sees beyond the physical to the eternal. No matter how insignificant or menial, every motherly task performed is an object lesson, every experience a spiritual journey.

Results of the Feminist Movement

In response to the feminist voices calling for women to leave their "boring" and "empty" work at home and enter the "man's world," twentieth-century women have been leaving home and children and entering the workforce at an increasing rate. However, feminist career women were described in The New York Times in 1982 as "bored," "unhappy," "bitter" women.

Betty Friedan herself came to question whether she had done the right thing in urging women out of the home. In The Second Stage (1981) she stated that it was time to transcend "the male model of equity" and "come to new terms with family and with work." She admitted that the feminine mystique had been superceded by a feminist mystique which denied that the core of women's personality is fulfilled through love, nurture, and home.

Other feminist leaders have also begun to question what they have done and where the feminist movement is headed after the migration of women from home to the workplace, the merging of radical leftist feminist groups with the feminist movement, and the push for abortion that has become synonymous with women's rights. Susan Brownmiller, author and feminist leader, who previously interpreted the relationship between men and women in Western culture as a kind of organized rape, has begun to accuse women of ignoring "profound biological and psychological differences" between the sexes. Andrea Dworkin, feminist militant, has admitted that "sexual liberation only made life harder for women."

Divorce

In his 1973 book Sexual Suicide, George Gilder warned that women's "liberation" would relieve "men of the responsibility as head of the family. That makes it easier for a man to walk out." In fact, the U.S. divorce rate nearly doubled during the 1970s.

Poverty, which had heretofore been concentrated among the uneducated classes, was fast becoming a problem of educated single mothers and their children, who accounted for more than one third of the poor by 1984. Two-parent families fared better all the way around. As a result of today's high divorce rate, some forty percent of all white children can now expect to live in a single parent household before they turn sixteen. Indeed, one of the forces pushing more wives to work in recent years has been the increased fear of divorce, causing many married women to take precautions to ensure their future economic security.

Recent statistics show that women who work tend to marry later and get divorced more often than those who do not. Studies indicate motherhood to be a stumbling block for women on the upward climb in the working world.

Domestic Roles

Despite the goals of feminists that men's and women's roles become interchangeable at home and in the work place, women still shoulder the largest share of responsibility in the home, even among two-income families. Surveys reveal that husbands do less than one quarter of the cooking, cleaning, and child care and that men have increased their help around the house only six percent during the past 20 years. It seems that men are unwilling to do women's work. Barnard College historian Rosalind Rosenberg has stated, "Historically, men and women have had different interests, goals and aspirations regarding work."

The working woman's continuing responsibilities at home mean that she is doing two jobs at once—and probably not doing either job as well as she would like. But according to evidence in some women's magazines and other popular sources, women do not want their husbands to play too large a role in the home. States Shirley Sloan Fader in Working Woman, "If the children ever turned first to Daddy in time of need, many mothers would be devastated." Evidently there is some elemental female longing that requires women to know that their children need them more than father.

Feminists have been telling us that a woman's place is not in the home, that someone else can do her work, that children need to develop independence from their parents and that ultimate fulfillment and satisfaction, if they are ever found, will not be found in the traditional woman's role in the home. But it seems that although women have left home and children for self-fulfillment, there still exists within woman a desire for her home and family life. It seems there are instinctive yearnings in a woman to be at home with her child.

Working mothers today must battle feelings of guilt and anxiety in order to "fulfill" themselves in the workplace. A mother must either suffer guilt as a result of a denial and neglect of her natural motherly instincts or she must to a certain degree close her heart to her child in order to live with herself. "Amid all the activities of life the mother's most sacred duty is to her children" (The Adventist Home, p. 234).

Women at Home

In our modern, fast-paced society, the home and the woman in it are the last stronghold for the family. "To effect a permanent change for the better in society, the education of the masses must begin in early life. The habits formed in childhood and youth, the tastes acquired, the self-control gained, the principles inculcated from the cradle, are almost certain to determine the future of the man or woman" (Messages to Young People, p. 233).

In Touch

Woman's work in the home is one of the few professions today where a woman can be in touch with herself. Just as working in the earth while gardening is therapeutic to the psyche, so the tasks of women in the home, though often demanding, afford an outlet for expression, a time to think and reflect, an opportunity for creativity. Being in touch with the basic processes of life as women are in caring for children and running a home becomes a sort of therapy, a healing art. It puts us in touch with ourselves and the world around us. It gives meaning to time and space in that we are a part of the process of life.

Especially is this true for the Christian woman, who knows that her life and work in the home will tell for time and eternity. To bake a loaf of bread, create a meal, listen to fine music, read quality literature, paint a picture, laugh with our children—are these not the finer things of life? There is a richness in time spent with our children. "The mother seldom appreciates her own work and frequently sets so low an estimate upon her labor that she regards it as domestic drudgery.... The humble round of duties which women have come to regard as a wearisome task should be looked upon as a grand and noble work. It is the mother's privilege to bless the world by her influence, and in doing this she will bring joy to her own heart" (The Adventist Home, pp. 232, 234).

Important Work

There is a work for mothers at home to do. They can make home a haven of peace in a world of chaos and confusion. Their influence can soften the blows of a cruel world. Their support, availability and devotion can teach a child love, trust and security. The mother is or should be the reference point around which the life of the child revolves. She is the backdrop in front of which the child plays out the lessons of life and the principles of Christianity. She is teacher, nurse, psychologist, cook, evangelist, companion, and sympathizer.

Psychologists recognize the value of "play therapy" in helping troubled children. By observing unnoticed or actually taking part in a child's play session, trained psychologists can begin to understand how a child is thinking and the way he views himself and the world around him. His conversations, attitudes and techniques of play allow the psychologist to analyze the inner workings of the child's mind. The psychologist can then help resolve conflicts in his life.

As we shall see, mothers too are "trained psychologists," molding and fashioning the child's outlook on himself, his world, and his God. In regard to Christianity in particular, this work is invaluable.

Animals in the wild "play out" their instincts for fighting while they are very young and with their mother. This "playing" is really nothing more than a very subdued version of the fighting they will actually engage in later in their lives when their abilities to do so may be a matter of life and death. Their "playing" as infants is actually practice to equip them for the real thing.

Something similar takes place with humans. Basic lessons of life and Christianity, "played out" in the arena of the home, help children learn valuable lessons and equip them to face life's battles. Like the trained psychologist, the mother can observe, analyze, converse, and reason with her child, and more: she can pray with him. Thus she equips her child for the real business of living.

Best Qualified

We mothers must not turn this very delicate work over to the inexperienced, often insensitive, hands of those who run day care centers or babysit our children while we go off to do a "more important" work! Just as the psychologist would never dream of allowing an untrained person to take over his job, so mothers must not allow others into their profession. It is the mothers who are trained for it. "The mother who has watched every turn of the mind from infancy, and is thus acquainted with the natural disposition, is best prepared to counsel her children. Who can tell as well what traits of character to check and restrain as the mother, aided by the father?" (The Adventist Home, p. 191). Faithfulness in this work is important: "Much of the malformation of an ill trained child's character lies at the mother's door" (The Adventist Home, p. 246).

It takes time to do a mother's job. It takes dedication. Let's allow our children to participate in "love's holy earnest in a pretty play." Mothers are psychologists, nurses of the heart, binding inner wounds and soothing inner turmoil. We must be on hand to show our children the principles of life and love as no one but a mother can. "The work of the mother becomes infinite through her connection with Christ. It is beyond understanding. Woman's office is sacred" (The Adventist Home, p. 255).

Ministry

Woman in the home is the counterpart of the minister in the church. By her life she lives out the great spiritual concepts preached from the pulpit. Her orderly, creative home, the lives of her children growing in Christian grace, and her own willingness to be poured out for others all manifest the character of God. Her home is a church in the truest sense. Time and energy that have not been exhausted in a full-time job can be unleashed toward greater ministry. Her home can become a haven from the world, a meeting place, an example of the Christian life. She proves true in her home what the man of God declares. In this sense, woman's influence and power exceed that of the minister in the pulpit.

A Higher Calling

Society today has been influenced by the feminist notion of womanhood. Everywhere we see or hear comparisons made between the tired, bored, and unfulfilled mother and the well dressed, successful career woman. But we can retrain our thinking and refuse to listen to the voices of the world.

When we are tempted to feel that we need to finish our housework, child care, and other routine duties so we can go and "accomplish something," let us remember that our work in the home is accomplishing something. It is enough.

In a sense, we must admit that motherhood is an act of self-denial. It is a struggle, a sacrifice. We must not approach it with naive, sentimental ideas. We must approach it realistically and cosmically, for its results carry eternal weight. Though it demands the cross of self sacrifice and self denial, it is not without its rewards. Jesus, "for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross" (Heb 12:2). As His disciples, we too must bear our cross and leave the world behind in order to accomplish His perfect will—in order to find joy. "Self denial and the cross are our portion. Will we accept it?" (The Adventist Home, p. 238).

Will mothers stop listening to the clamoring voices of the world? Will they someday learn, as many others have already, that there is no secret, undiscovered happiness outside their doors? Will they begin listening to the smaller, softer voices of their children, to the still small voice of their own hearts? Does the mother who leaves home know she is needed, that her work at home is important? I wonder whether she understands that her presence at home is more important to her children than any other person's presence on earth?

And sometimes I wonder, along with the children—will she come back home?