Trouble in the Parsonage
To outward appearances they were the ideal young pastoral couple; he handsome, competent, talented, and successful; she capable, warm, friendly, and loved by the congregation. But in the privacy of their home all was not well.
Married ten years and six years into their ministry, Bill and Sue began having problems when Sue took on a job outside the home to supplement a beginning minister's salary and to meet the heavy demands of a growing young family. Their hopes of working together as a team had run high during Bill's seminary training. Sue even took coursework to prepare for her part of their ministry. The first few years she managed to stay home and care for their two small children, though it strained their family finances to the limit. But now, facing the added burden of tuition costs for their children, plus the payments on Bill's educational loan, Sue joined the growing ranks of ministers' wives employed outside the home.
At first Sue tried not to burden Bill with her deep frustration at leaving her children in someone else's care and her physical weariness in trying to be wage-earner, wife, mother, housekeeper, and the first lady of the parsonage. She also felt keen disappointment in not being able to work by his side.
But what hurt Sue most was Bill's apparent refusal to recognize the problem or deal with it. "I'm a pastor, and pastors are not supposed to have marital problems. Besides, I really don't think we have one."
In a moment of weakness, Sue began confiding in a fellow worker. At first it was a matter of venting her frustrations to a listening ear. Eventually the confiding turned into an attachment, and more. When Bill learned of the affair he was furious. How could she do this to him? How could she ruin his ministry like this? Sue, still stinging with anger at his rejection of her needs and at his refusal to seek help for their troubled marriage, now struggled with the added burden of guilt and confusion.
Devastated by the experience, Bill nonetheless refused any kind of help for fear of losing his position. Yet eventually he quit the ministry anyway. Shattered by it all, Sue took the children and began trying to pick up the pieces for their sakes. But the children had lost something that can never be restored to them, a happy, secure home with two loving parents. And the church has lost another capable, dedicated young ministerial family to the growing number of dropouts to the ministry.
IDENTIFYING THE PROBLEMS
Working with young seminary families and becoming aware of some of the overwhelming problems facing many of them has given me a deep concern that something needs to be done and soon! Let's take another look at Bill and Sue's plight and identify some problem areas.
1. Debt. A heavy debt incurred during Bill's college and seminary training gave them a bad start. Many couples enter the ministry owing virtually thousands of dollars. A beginning minister's salary barely sustains a young family who have no debts or extra financial involvements. The damocletian sword of debt hanging over the head of a young couple at best forces many wives to work outside the home, and at worst puts strains on marriages that all too often lead to drop-outs from the ministry, if not to broken homes.
The Biblical principle of "owe no man anything" still applies to Christians today, including those who are to be the spiritual leaders of our church. Further study needs to be given to this problem by our administrators and educators.
But an educational mortgage is not the only financial hazard facing ministerial couples. Others include poor management of money, over-extended buying, including that for professional equipment, moonlighting (often consuming the time and energies of both husband and wife), and the complex problems that come with frequent moves and scarce, over-priced housing.
On the other side of the coin, the reality is that we live in a complex, two-salary society. Many wives would prefer working by their husbands' sides if they could receive supplemental income for doing so. Some conferences already have programs in operation which provide for this. But somehow ministers and their families must be adequately compensated in order to relieve some of the pressures contributing to the breakdown of the parish family.
2. Relationships. But the problems are not just financial. Bill and Sue, or at least Bill, thought they had a good marriage. Yet underneath the façade of a happy couple lurked deep-seated problems in their relationship that neither of them really understood. Counseling might well have helped, especially if undertaken early, perhaps in their seminary days, with a Christian counselor who would help them see and apply Bible principles.
Where prevention of a problem is not possible, help is still needed for the parsonage in trouble. Conferences could strengthen the homes of both pastors and parishioners by hiring or designating competent Christian counselors to whom troubled families could go with confidence and in confidentiality.
3. Commitment. Ultimately, though, responsibility for preventing home breakup, whether of pastor or people, rests with the couple themselves. Both Bill and Sue needed to remember the sacredness of their marital commitment before God. Daily renewal of that commitment in meaningful Bible study and prayer together would have strengthened their relationship. Bill needed to embody the Bible principle of the husband's sacrificial care for his wife (Eph. 5:25-32), which would have made him sensitive to her feelings and frustrations. Sue needed to choose consciously to honor her marriage by refusing to confide its troubles casually (Eph. 5:33).
Even at a later stage of their difficulty, both needed to realize that God wants them to stay together and to learn lessons of forgiveness and humility. When there is commitment, God can heal wounded marriages.
This kind of commitment to one another before God is what Christian marriage is all about. And so much is riding upon it.
What's at Stake?
The stakes are high—not just for individual families, but for the church and society at large. When ministerial marriages thrive, they become powerful testimonies to God's transforming grace. When they fail, the ripple effects touch congregations, communities, and the next generation. The time to act is now—through prevention, support, and unwavering commitment to the sacred covenant of marriage.