Christian Marriages Can Be Strong Marriages
Why are some Adventist marriages falling apart?
The marriages of many among us are falling apart. Why is this happening in the Adventist Church? More and more couples are being caught in the trap of seeing divorce as the best way to solve marital problems. Not only that, many couples planning to be married hold the unspoken but strong notion that divorce will definitely be an option for them in case things don't go well in the marriage.
Paul counseled against such thinking in Colossians 2:8: "See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ." [1]
The Meanings of Marriage
Throughout the world, the most common and long-lasting concept of marriage is that the bride and groom's obligations are to their parents and to other members of the families in which they grew up. Culture and tradition are very important. Family and community could be called the authority base for this viewpoint.
The Biblical/religious viewpoint bases its meaning on Biblical creation and Biblical promotion of the marriage relationship. The Bible calls marriage an earthly representation of Christ's intimate relationship with His bride, His church on earth. "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh. This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church." [2] Clearly, the base for this viewpoint is the God of the universe.
But the secular and humanistic philosophy of viewing life is becoming dominant in the western world. According to this viewpoint each person is his/her own authority. We can easily see some of the forces which have been at work to shape this viewpoint—such things as women's liberation, the secular revolution, chemical contraception, and large numbers of women working outside the home.
Environmental Influences on Marriage
Considering the nature of the world in which we live, it's remarkable that any marriages are stable and fulfilling. We have the day-to-day demands of earning a living, juggling busy schedules, and managing our homes. We experience stresses which have strong effects on the comfort level in our homes—illnesses, job changes, moving, unexpected accidents. We become frustrated and exhausted by the actions and words of the various members of our families. When stresses pile up, we tend to become anxious and irritable. Small discomforts and frustrations often multiply into much larger and seemingly insurmountable problems.
Expectations of marriage partners are often unrealistic. Frequently, when two people exchange wedding vows their expectations are that the spouse will be the ultimate refuge from anything that might happen, that the marriage itself will reinforce all the good and eliminate all the bad from each spouse's extended family, and that their problems will be over. Since expectations such as these idealize an ordinary and still-faulty human being, they will sooner or later lead to disappointment.
How Can the Christian Marriage Survive?
How, then, can the Christian marriage remain stable and be a joyous and fulfilling likeness of the divine-human relationship? Christian young people in our homes, schools, and churches need to be motivated to learn how to be mature adults before they marry. Marriage partners, regardless of how long they have been married, can benefit from this same kind of guidance.
The partners in a marriage of mature Christians, transformed by thorough conversion, are the adults who are going to experience stability and fulfillment in their marital relationships. They are the ones who will recognize, even before the wedding ceremony, that the joining of two lives in a permanent bond ordained by God will double their temptations and their need for divine power to cope and grow individually and as a couple. They need to realize the truth about becoming authentic people—that they are sinners who must get rid of props and masks, and that they cannot succeed unless they surrender totally to God.
More than a rational understanding of who God is, they need an experience of relating with Him by faith. "I pray," said Paul, "that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith." [3]
Toward Christian Maturity
I believe that to be mature is to be as much of a person as God made me to be—in tune with God, giving Him the credit for my success and finding peace and joy in the midst of the struggles of living in this sin-cursed world. God's desire for our personal satisfaction and fulfillment is found in these well-known words: "Higher than the highest human thought can reach is God's ideal for His children." [4]
The totally consecrated person finds great satisfaction in being wholeheartedly submitted to God's indwelling. This satisfaction consists of more than "peace like a river." It also means that physical and mental power is constantly available to me so that I can tolerate irritations, withstand insults, bounce back to strength and health after illness and disappointment, and love unconditionally even when it doesn't seem to make sense. All these qualities and many more are needed if I, or you, are to live victoriously as marriage partners. These inspired words tell the story:
"All who consecrate soul, body, and spirit to God will be constantly receiving a new endowment of physical and mental power. The inexhaustible supplies of heaven are at their command. Christ gives them the breath of His own spirit, the life of His own life. The Holy Spirit puts forth its highest energies to work in heart and mind. The grace of God enlarges and multiplies their faculties, and every perfection of the divine nature comes to their assistance in the work of saving souls. Through cooperation with Christ they are complete in Him, and in their human weakness they are enabled to do the deeds of Omnipotence." [5]
Where in the world could you go to find a stronger description of mature living? "Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus" (Phil 2:5).
Developmental Theories & Stages
Developmental theories (and there are some very good ones) divide the human life-span into various stages or steps. A useful viewpoint for understanding the various stages in one's psychological development from birth to Christlike maturity has been proposed by Christian psychologist and writer, Dr. John Finch. [6]
This progression towards Christian maturity starts with infant and child dependence. It then moves to adolescent independence. Only those who are totally committed to God can learn the full meaning of the next stage, self-dependence. Then they are ready to relate to others comfortably and successfully in the final stage of healthy interdependence.
1. The Dependent Stage
During fetal development, the unborn child depends upon the environment provided by the mother. Though it is a unique person right from the first moment outside the mother's womb, the newborn baby is still completely dependent on the people around him or her for the satisfaction of the physical and emotional needs whose fulfillment is necessary for the newborn to survive. The growing infant remains dependent on his caretakers for all his survival needs. This dependency decreases as the infant progresses into toddlerhood and childhood.
In a healthy setting, the infant also will form strong attachment bonds to the mother and others. The mother, the father, and others also are setting the stage for the child's ability to trust himself and his world, gradually to meet more of his own needs and be less inclined to wait for, or demand, that his needs be supplied by someone else.
2. The Independent Stage
This stage is often associated with adolescence. The teenager is no longer a child and not yet an adult. Young people still have strong feelings of dependence but don't want to let them show because they are struggling to find their own identity. This independence is the stage in which many people in our world find themselves "stuck." They want the privileges of freedom and adulthood but not its responsibilities. This state of irresponsible living reminds us of Israel's plight: "In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as he saw fit." [7]
3. The Self-Dependent Stage
Ephesians 4:13 describes this stage: "Until we... become mature, attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ" (NIV). Verses 23 and 24 then tell us how to secure this maturity: "Be made new in the attitude of your minds and ... put on the new self, created to be like God." Paul here makes it clear that the godly maturity he speaks of is an experience of the self being made new, recreated in God's image. It is this "new self" on which we are to be dependent.
True self-dependence is based on total dependence upon God. "In every plan we make," counseled Ellen White, "we must act with entire dependence upon God." [8]
4. The Interdependent Stage
This is a worthy goal in the quest for maturity, but few reach it. God-inspired maturity promotes healthy interdependence. This interdependence will exhibit the qualities of love described in 1 Corinthians 13. This mature and satisfying relationship can be fully experienced only by marriage partners who have grounded their life ideals in God. They will identify with Augustine when he prayed, "Thou hast made us for Thyself, and our hearts are restless till they rest in Thee."
The self-dependent marriage partner who has the capacity to be selflessly interdependent has reached a high degree of authentic maturity. He or she is no longer dependent in the clinging, not-yet-responsible manner of the young child, nor is this person independent in the manner of an adolescent. I believe that this capacity for healthy interdependence is a special gift from the Creator, a bonus which will not only be preparing us for fellowship with the angels of heaven during the endless ages of eternity but also fulfilling in us Christ's promise: "I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly" (John 10:10).
Conclusion: We Can Have Strong Marriages
How blessed our marriages will be, how low the divorce rate, when we grapple with the meaning of Christian maturity in a sinful world. We need to study this in our homes, our schools, and our churches—with our students, our pre-marrieds, and our already-marrieds. God has provided all the necessary resources for us to be authentic people, strong and stable in Him.
The marriages of many among us are falling apart. The maturity of many marriage partners among us is far short of God's ideal. Let us model and teach the truth about God's plan for marriage partners: a successful Christian marriage can be maintained when the partners become mature individuals, totally committed to God.