Christian Marriage: Social Contract or Sacred Covenant?

The Adventist home is in trouble. Approximately 20 percent of Adventist couples in North America have sought a way out of their marital problems through divorce.1 While the Adventist divorce rate is lower than the national average, it is evident that societal trends are influencing Adventist marriages. The seriousness of this problem is painfully brought home to me practically every weekend as I conduct seminars in Adventist churches across North America. Sad to say, in some churches pastors have told me that the number of families consisting of single or remarried parents exceeds the number of those families with parents who have not experienced divorce.

As a church, we cannot skirt this issue, for two reasons. First, we have a responsibility to prevent marriage dissolutions and to minister to those experiencing the pain of broken marriages. Second, we believe that God has called us to witness to the world through the transforming power of His grace manifested especially in our homes. Ellen White points out that "The greatest evidence of the power of Christianity that can be presented to the world is a well-ordered, well-disciplined family. This will recommend the truth as nothing else can, for it is a living witness of its practical power upon the heart."3

Why is divorce making increasing inroads into Adventist homes? One important factor, in my view, is the growing acceptance by Adventists of the societal view of marriage as a social contract, governed by civil laws, rather than a sacred covenant, witnessed and guaranteed by God. The growing acceptance of this view is leading an increasing number of Adventist members, including some pastors, to believe that the breakup of a home is a guiltless, or at times, a proper procedure. To resist the secularizing of marriage, we must recover the Biblical view of marriage as a sacred covenant.

MARRIAGE: A SOCIAL CONTRACT?

Loss of the Sacred

The reduction of marriage to a mere social contract is one outcome of the secularizing process which has caused our culture to lose the sense of the sacred in various realms of life. For example, many Christians no longer view their day of worship as a "holy day" but rather as a "holiday," a day to seek for personal pleasure and profit, rather than for the presence and peace of God.

Life itself is no longer sacred for many people, as over 1,500,000 induced abortions are performed every year in the United States alone, besides the countless number of persons killed by senseless crimes, drugs, and violence. Many no longer see the church as primarily a sacred place of worship, but rather a social club for concerts, lectures, bingo, food fairs—in short, a place for entertainment.

Secularization of Marriage

This process of secularization has also affected the way many Christians, including an increasing number of Adventists, have come to view marriage, namely, as a temporary social contract governed by civil laws, rather than a permanent and sacred covenant, witnessed and guaranteed by God Himself. Instead of promising each other faithfulness "till death do us part," many couples are adopting the modern version of the marriage vow, pledging to remain together "as long as we both shall love."

Recent "no fault" divorce laws make the dissolution of marriage so easy that some lawyers place classified ads offering divorce service for less than $100.00: "All legal fees and services included in one low price." What a sad commentary on the cheapness of marriage today! What God has united many will put asunder for less than the price of a good suit.

Some marriage counselors even question the value of the Christian wedding vows of life-time commitment. Says Carl Rogers, "The value of such outward commitment appears to me to be just about nil."4 Such counselors advise leaving open the possibility for the marriage contract to be terminated as any other civil contract can be.

The transformation of marriage from a sacred covenant to a civil contract can be traced back to the French Revolution. Among the laws passed at that time, as Ellen White explains, "was that which reduced the union of marriage—the most sacred engagement which human beings can form and the permanence of which leads most strongly to the consolidation of society—to the state of mere civil contract of a transitory character, which any two persons might engage in and cast loose at pleasure."5 What began as an act of defiance against God by an atheistic government has gradually become an accepted trend of our secularistic society: easy divorce.

Sociologists seldom list the secularization of marriage among the major causes for the breaking down of marriages. Instead, they generally focus on such factors as financial problems, emotional immaturity, discrepancies in role expectations, lack of education, cultural mixing, and liberality of laws. Without minimizing the importance of these factors, it is my conviction that most couples can resolve the conflicts deriving from these factors, if both husband and wife strongly believe that their marriage is a sacred covenant, witnessed and protected by God.

A SACRED COVENANT

Contract or Covenant?

To appreciate the Biblical view of marriage as a sacred covenant, we should distinguish between a contract and a covenant. Paul F. Palmer offers a helpful clarification of the difference between the two:

Marriage as Covenant

Though the explicit references to marriage as covenant are few in Scripture (Prov 2:17; Ezek 16:8; Mal 2:14), there are abundant, implicit indications of the fundamental understanding of marriage as a covenant relationship. The very first description of marriage in the Bible is given in covenant terms, as we shall see. Also, human marriage in the Old and New Testaments forms the prism through which divine revelation proclaims God's covenant relationship with His people, and Christ's with His church.

The foundation of the marriage covenant (a man; his wife; one flesh) is found in Genesis 2:24, where God's plan for marriage is first given:

This statement is repeated first by Jesus in the context of His teachings on divorce (Matt 19:5; Mark 10:7, 8) and then by Paul to illustrate the relationship of Christ with His church (Eph 5:31). This verse mentions three strands which make up a human marriage covenant: leaving, cleaving, and becoming one flesh.

Leaving

The first step to establishing a covenant marriage is leaving all other relationships, including the closest ones of father and mother. Of course, this does not mean the abandonment of one's parents. The responsibility to "honor your father and mother" (Ex 20:12) is applied by Jesus to adults (Mark 7:6-13). As adults, we assume responsibility for our parents rather than to them. What "leaving" means is that all lesser relationships must give way to the newly formed marital relationship. A leaving must occur to cement a covenant relationship as husband and wife.

This principle of leaving applies likewise to our covenant relationship with God. It is said of the disciples that "they left everything and followed Him" (Luke 5:11). There are men and women who fail to build a covenant marriage because they are not willing "to leave" their attachment to their jobs, advanced education, sports, or even church work, in order to establish a strong covenant relationship. So the first principle we can derive from Genesis 2:24 is that to develop the thrilling oneness of a covenant marriage, we must be willing to leave all lesser relationships.

Cleaving

The second essential ingredient for a marriage covenant is cleaving: "Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife" (Gen 2:24). A leaving must occur before a cleaving can take place. "Cleaving" reflects the central concept of covenant—fidelity. The Hebrew word for "cleave," dabaq, suggests the idea of being permanently glued or joined together. It is one of the words frequently used to express the covenant commitment of the people to God: "You shall fear the Lord your God; you shall serve him and cleave to him" (Deut 10:20; cf. 11:22; 13:4; 30:20).

In the sight of God, cleaving means wholehearted commitment, which spills over to every area of our being. It means to be permanently glued together rather than temporarily taped together. You can separate two pieces of wood taped together, but you cannot separate without great damage two pieces of wood glued together. In fact, two pieces of wood glued together become not only inseparable but also much stronger than if they were taped together. Cleaving involves unswerving loyalty to one's marital partner. Note that man is to cleave to "his wife." This excludes marital unfaithfulness. A man cannot be glued to his wife and flirt or engage in sexual intercourse with another woman. Either one excludes the other.

In a marriage covenant, cleaving also implies faithfulness to a relationship. If the "freedom to leave" is retained as a real option, it will hinder the total effort to develop a marital relationship characterized by covenant faithfulness. As marriage counselor Ed Wheat observes, "Keeping divorce as an escape clause indicates a flaw in your commitment to each other, even as a tiny crack that can be fatally widened by the many forces working to destroy homes and families."7

Living by the Biblical standard of cleaving means to ask ourselves, Will this action, word, decision, or attitude draw us closer or farther apart? Will it build up or tear down our relationship? Short of disobeying God, any course of action which weakens the cleaving must be regarded as contrary to God's design for a covenant marriage.

Becoming One Flesh

The third essential ingredient of a marriage covenant is that "they become one flesh" (Gen 2:24). Note the progression: leaving, cleaving, one flesh. As husband and wife leave lesser relationships and learn to cleave to one another, they become a new entity, "one flesh." No theologian or scientist has ever yet explained how two people become "one flesh." Yet we know that it happens! People who have been married for many years start to look and act like each other; they become one in mind, heart, and spirit. This is why divorce is so devastating. It leaves not two persons but two fractions of one.

The covenant nature of the "one flesh" imagery is indicated by its use to portray the covenant relationship between Christ and His bride, the church:

Here the marriage of two believers is presented as a reflection of Christ's covenant of sacrificial love and oneness with the church. Thus, marriage is a sacred covenant because it represents Christ's covenant with His church.

Christ's Commentary

Christ appeals to marriage as it was "from the beginning" (Mark 10:6) to override the concession of Moses respecting divorce. His own commentary on the significance of the "one flesh" covenant relationship is most explicit: "What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder" (Mark 10:9).

Here Jesus affirms that God Himself is the one who actually joins a couple in marriage. This means that when a Christian couple exchange their marital vows in the presence of witnesses, they are in actual fact uttering their vows of mutual commitment to God Himself. At the deepest level marriage is a covenant between a couple and God, because God is not only the witness but also the author of the marriage covenant.

A man and a woman marry by their own choice, but when they do so, God joins them together into one indissoluble union. Because marriage is God's indissoluble union of the couple, no human court or individual has the right to "put asunder."

It is evident that for Jesus marriage is not a mere civil contract, but a divinely ordained union which God alone has the power to establish and to terminate. The full force of this truth was explained by Christ privately to His disciples in these terms:

Here Jesus declares in no uncertain terms that the marriage covenant must not be violated by divorce and remarriage, because it is a sacred inviolable bond. To do otherwise is to "commit adultery," a sin clearly condemned by God's moral law (Ex 20:14; Deut 5:18). With a few simple words Jesus refutes the view that divorce is a viable option for a married couple. The covenant structure of marriage makes divorce an act of covenant breaking, a failure to keep a moral obligation.

Malachi's Teaching

The teaching of Jesus on the sacred and inviolable nature of the marriage covenant was anticipated four centuries earlier by Malachi. The Jews languished in a ruined Jerusalem and lamented that God no longer accepted their offerings. Malachi responded by pointing out that the cause of their suffering was to be found in their unfaithfulness to God manifested, among other ways, in their faithlessness to their wives:

Here Scripture tells us explicitly that marriage is a covenant to which God is a witness (cf. Prov 2:17). Since God does not break covenants (see Lev 26:40-45), the marriage covenant is all the more binding. This means that what we do to our marital partner we do also to the Lord. Christian commitment and marital commitment are two sides of the same covenant. For this reason Malachi admonishes the people, saying:

Note that God hates divorce and not the divorcée. As Christians we should reflect Christ's attitude of loving concern toward those who have suffered marital disaster (John 4:6-26), while at the same time upholding Christ's uncompromising commitment to the sacred and inviolable nature of the marriage covenant. We accept the teaching of our Lord regarding marriage because we trust that His teachings are for our good. They ensure full and joyful living.

The Minister and Marriage

The sacred nature of the marriage covenant must be respected especially by those who have been called to serve as spiritual leaders of the church. It is noteworthy that in the Old Testament God directed the priests to honor their sacred calling to the priesthood by refraining from marrying a woman defiled by harlotry or divorced from her husband:

This Old Testament principle of high marriage standards for spiritual leaders is reiterated in the New Testament. In setting forth the qualifications for the office of overseer or elder, Paul says: "Now a bishop must be above reproach, the husband of one wife" (1 Tim 3:2; cf. Titus 1:6). The same moral qualification is required of deacons: "Let deacons be the husband of one wife" (1 Tim 3:12).

The short phrase "husband of one wife" has been the subject of considerable discussion. But what is beyond dispute is that the marital record of the spiritual leaders of the Christian church should be a model of God's plan, exemplary and above reproach. The Old Testament high marriage standard for priests (Lev 21:7) corresponds then to the marriage qualifications for church leaders in the New Testament (1 Tim 3:2, 12; Titus 1:6). Admittedly, the standard is high, but should God and the Adventist church expect less from those who have been called to give spiritual leadership? By honoring the sacredness of their marriage covenant Adventist church leaders set a model for their church members to follow.

IMPLICATIONS OF MARRIAGE AS SACRED COVENANT

As the acceptance of the Sabbath as a holy day determines how we choose to live on that day, so the acceptance of marriage as a holy covenant determines how we choose to live out our marital commitment. Four practical implications of the acceptance of marriage as a sacred covenant are: total commitment, exclusive commitment, continuing commitment, and growing commitment.

Total Commitment

To accept marriage as a sacred covenant means first of all to be willing to make a total commitment of oneself to the marriage partner. It means to be willing to commit ourselves to maintain the marital union, no matter what. It means to be willing to promise to one another, as Elizabeth Achtemeier well expressed it:

Such a total commitment is only possible by divine grace. It is God who gives us power to hold fast to our commitment. This is the unseen factor often ignored in marriage manuals. What is true for salvation is also true for a committed marriage: there is both a divine initiative and a human response. As Paul puts it, "Work your own salvation with fear and trembling; for God is at work in you, both to will and to work for his good pleasure" (Phil 2:12-13). We must work to achieve total and permanent commitment in our marriage and yet recognize that it is God who is at work in and through us to make this goal possible.

A most marvelous thing about a totally committed marriage is the fact that it is totally a relationship of grace, a relationship in which I do not have to constantly earn my wife's love, because she gives it to me as a gift. Love is seldom deserved because much of the time we are not lovable. Yet it is given to me and this gives me acceptance, security and freedom to act and to exert my creativity. This manifestation of unconditional love challenges me to respond by being more loving and lovable.

Exclusive Commitment

To accept marriage as a sacred covenant also means to be willing to make an exclusive commitment of oneself to the marital partner. It means, as the marriage vows put it, "to forsake all others" and "to keep thee only unto her [or him], so long as you both shall live."

This understanding of the marriage covenant is under severe attack in our sexually permissive society where new, "softer" terms eliminate the immoral connotations of illicit sexual acts. Fornication is now referred to as "premarital sex," with the emphasis on the "pre" rather than on the "marital." Adultery is now called "extramarital sex," implying an additional experience, like an extraprofessional activity.

A landmark survey of 100,000 women, conducted by Redbook Magazine and supervised by sociologist Robert Bell of Temple University, indicates that about one third of all married women and almost half (47%) of wage-earning wives reported "having sexual relations with men other than their husbands."9 Considering that men tend to be more promiscuous than women, we can assume that the percentage of married men having extramarital relations is even higher.

The prevailing unfaithfulness to marriage vows has led some Christians, including some pastors, to adopt a "live and let live" attitude toward divorce and remarriage. Some assume that God will accept them in spite of the fact that they are unfaithful to their wife or husband by marrying someone else. To such persons the church must declare that God is not mocked. Their unfaithfulness to their marriage vows stands under the judgment of the Lord who tells us that the ultimate destiny of the faithless will be eternal destruction:

In view of the prevailing violation of marital vows, we Adventists today face an unprecedented challenge to maintain by God's grace our exclusive commitment to our marriage partners. Aware of this danger, Ellen White often admonishes men and women to be faithful to their marriage vows. To men she writes:

Similarly, Ellen White says to women: "I write with a distressed heart that the women in this age, both married and unmarried, too frequently do not maintain the reserve that is necessary. They act like coquettes. They encourage the attentions of single and married men, and those who are weak in moral power will be ensnared. These things, if allowed, deaden the moral senses and blind the mind so that crime does not appear sinful."11

Exclusive commitment extends beyond sexual faithfulness. It means avoiding forming closer relationships with friends or relatives than with one's own spouse. By taking these third parties into the confidences of marital life, we undermine the exclusiveness of our marital commitment. Ellen White warns: "When a woman relates her family troubles or complains of her husband to another man, she violates her marriage vows; she dishonors her husband and breaks down the wall erected to preserve the sanctity of the marriage relation; she throws wide open the door and invites Satan to enter with his insidious temptations. This is just as Satan would have it."12

Continuing Commitment

To accept marriage as a sacred covenant also means to be willing to make a continuing commitment to one's marital partner. Time changes things, including our looks and our feelings. When my fiancée agreed to marry me, I was rather skinny with nice wavy hair. Twenty six years later I find myself considerably heavier and with a shining top. I am thankful to God that the change in my looks has not caused my wife to change her commitment to me. Marital commitment must continue through the changing seasons of life. With each change in our lives, our marital commitment must be renewed.

A young couple contemplating marriage needs to consider whether both are prepared to make a continuing commitment to one another. Ellen White counsels that "every marriage engagement should be carefully considered, for marriage is a step taken for life. Both the man and the woman should carefully consider whether they can cleave to each other through the vicissitudes of life as long as they both shall live."13

A continuing commitment to our marriage partners is never accomplished once and for all, but must be reaffirmed each day. It must be made when we are healthy or sick, wealthy or poor, happy or sad, successful or failing. In all the changing moods of life we must determine by God's grace to reaffirm our marriage commitment until death does us part.

Some time ago a woman told me that she had filed for divorce because her feelings toward her husband had changed. She did not feel in love with him anymore. The counsel of Ellen White in such a case is to change the disposition, not the marriage partner: "If your dispositions are not congenial, would it not be for the glory of God for you to change these dispositions?"14 The good news of the gospel is that our feelings and dispositions can be changed through Christ's enabling power (Phil 4:13). Divine grace makes a continuing commitment to marriage not only a possibility, but a reality.

Growing Commitment

To accept marriage as a sacred covenant means also to experience a growing commitment, which deepens and matures through life's experiences. The Christian life is a call to grow "to the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ" (Eph 4:13), until we love with the fulness of His love. The same call applies to the marriage relationship. There must be a maturing and deepening of our commitment to one another. When marriage commitment stops growing it begins to wither away.

Growth in commitment to our marriage is not achieved overnight. It is a continuous daily process that lasts through the whole course of married life. Among other things, it involves following the model of Christ's love for His church by being willing to sacrifice one's own wants for the good of the other, being willing to love even when love is not reciprocated. It involves also being willing to accept unsuspected flaws in the partner's character and working together to resolve misunderstandings, tensions or hostilities.

The sad reality is that many marriages do not grow in maturity and love. Rather than expending energies to keep their relationship improving, some marriage partners settle down into a dull humdrum routine. To find a way out of such dullness, some partners seek for excitement and growth through illicit relationships. By so doing, however, they only add misery to their lives by violating their marriage covenant and by putting asunder the marriage unity which God has formed.

The solution to dull a marriage relationship must be found not by seeking excitement outside marriage, but by working together to enrich that relationship. This involves improving our communication skills by learning to express inner feelings, by listening to the thoughts, desires and wishes of our partners, by leaving the cares and concerns of our work behind when we go home, by watching for opportunities to manifest tenderness and affection.

Writing to an unhappy couple, Ellen White counsels the husband: