A Good Husband Who Can Find?

What would the ideal Christian husband be like?

Women, if you were to ferret among the myriads of males in the whole wide world in search of the "perfect man" for your life partner, what would he be like? What would your checklist and catalog of qualifications contain? Men, what kind of a husband would you choose to be if you could have your wish fulfilled, and at the same time take first prize for the "ideal"?

In choosing a mate it would be nice to have our personal preferences filled to a "T", but in the end we do best to seek God's will. In pondering these crucial questions, I came to a simple conclusion. For me, the bottom line is this: I would want a husband to resemble the Lord Jesus Christ as closely as possible. All other considerations, as important as they may be, are secondary.

As a Saviour and Head

Does that mean that a wife is to have no will of her own? When the Bible says, "Wives, submit yourselves," it means we do so "as it is fit in the Lord" [3].

A wife either balks and rebels, or withers at having her individuality taken away by an overbearing, dominating husband. On the other hand, she worries if he always gives in to her. She gets the impression he has no backbone. To be given sole responsibility for all decisions makes her feel insecure. A wife over-indulged cannot respect a doormat husband. Even with allowance for personality differences, there is a proper balance and order to be struck.

Authority with Humility

But when authority is exercised with humility, the ones in "subjection" are barely and rarely conscious of it.

In other words, men, there is a nice way to be tough. House-band, yes, but not a vise. Kind, tender and sympathetic, yes, but not a weakling. Neither partner feels threatened by the other. Their egos are inextricably bound together by virtue of their union. They are careful to nurture each other's trust, resulting in a settled mutual confidence.

An Example: My Father

Years ago a certain product was advertised as "Tough, but oh, so gentle!" Those words make me think of my own father. Left with four children when his first wife died, he married my mother, a widow with four children. Their union resulted in four additional children, with me the last. I never heard any of the children (his, hers, or theirs) ever say anything negative about him. He was a good father to us all. Whenever Mother spoke of him there was pride and gratitude in her voice. Her typical comment was, "God gave me two good husbands."

Unaware and unmindful as I was of his almost total lack of formal education, he was like a god to me, manly and strong and wise. He held me in his lap with powerful arms and let me play with his moustache. His big gnarled hands braided my hair while Mother was confined in the hospital with tuberculosis. Later, at the age of thirteen when I longed for a two-wheel bicycle and begged him to buy me a second-hand one I knew was for sale, he bought me a shiny new one, my very first. For the whole family and with the most rudimentary tools he handcrafted beautiful cross-country skis from trees. He could cook special, delicious meals for Sunday dinners. This after a week of hard work deep underground in the iron ore mine where he scraped out a living with pick and shovel.

I saw the Bible in his lap as he pored over its contents, often reading aloud to Mother and the family. It was practically the only book he read in his lifetime. His workworn, ore-lined hands clasped visibly in a silent prayer of thanks after each meal, and weekly worship services were regularly attended. He was more of a doer than a talker, "slow to speak, and slow to wrath."

As a little girl I saw, I watched, while he cared for his invalid wife, my mother, with never a complaint or murmur. He loved her, and even chose to sleep near her in the same bed during her convalescence, simply refusing to believe in the communicability of disease. No enemy bacteria dared invade his body when he was so much needed. His presence was rock-like, powerful, but it was power in reserve. We were unconscious of it since it was never used for anything other than our good, with great tenderness and wisdom. As a child I took him totally for granted, but only now can I adequately thank God for him, a diamond in the rough. My love for God the Father in heaven is enhanced because of his example. I found myself unconsciously seeking his qualities in a husband.

Attributes of a Godly Husband

Trustworthy

A husband, in a word, is trustworthy. There is no over-familiarity or letting down reserves in the presence of other women. A commitment implies single-mindedness (by today's standards even narrow-mindedness), the strict exclusion of anyone or anything that would jeopardize his position as "forever husband" to his wife.

If a loud cry should be raised today, it is this one. The avenues of the soul should be well guarded. This takes a strong will and strict selectivity, followed by physical effort. It's all out there for the taking "the lust of the flesh, and the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life" [7] — at the turn of a dial, the opening of a can or bottle or cellophane wrapper, the whipping out of a plastic credit card.

Total abstinence (no television set at all in the home) may be the safest route for some, but its knob in any case should be thoroughly sanctified. Eyes resolutely averted from the garish, sensational pulp sold in many newsstands will focus instead on the pages of Scripture. The crossing into forbidden territory is easy, with a look, a word, a taste or a touch. The instruction in 2 Timothy 2:22 [8] is to "flee"—"run away from"—as if your life depended on it. (It does!) Of course the same holds true for wives.

Constructive

A Christ-like husband is a builder of something good. My own husband was a bricklayer when I met him, and that appealed to me. Since then he has exchanged bricks for words and is a builder of character, teaching students in the seminary to be workers for God. My respect for him hasn't changed.

Thoughtful

A thoughtful, caring husband makes sure that his wife has her own money to spend (whether or not she is employed), a reasonable sum for which she does not have to give an accounting. This allows her to express her individuality with her own finances, to give gifts to others and offerings to God when her heart prompts her to do so. I knew a young wife who had to ask her husband for permission and money to buy herself a pair of hose, as the pair she had was worn out. I pitied her.

Listener

A good husband is a true listener, not just an indifferent hearer. It is good for a wife to be able to spill out the contents of her heart freely to her husband, chaff and grain together, without fear of censure. It is good for both to share "profound thought," or just "talk a lot" when the mood strikes, with the partner as chief sounding board. It is enviable when a couple enjoys this kind of steady, ongoing exchange. It is also important that they can keep still and feel entirely comfortable doing so—sweet fellowship, whether audible or unexpressed.

Steward

Any man aspiring to fulfill his high calling is a good steward of all his resources. He seeks to keep his body in good health in order that he might possess physical, moral and spiritual vitality. This also can too easily be neglected, especially for men with sedentary jobs. Plenty of reliable counsel is available, but that is not usually the problem. It's the discipline that is much harder to come by. Moderation is needed, however, so even the good is kept in balance for optimal health.

Principled

We hear so little about long term goals, long term relationships, heaven, eternity, and what it costs to gain them. These days life is largely lived on the plane of feeling, instant gratification, "now, if not sooner." Values are measured in dollar signs and how well self is served. Dating is no longer a long-range process where two people get to really know each other in ways other than physical. Often it is more like a thoughtless jump into a deep pool feet first—with little true romance, on a "too much too soon" basis. How can such couples hope for a relationship any stronger than a premature hothouse plant unable to stand up to normal climate?

As Christians we are not to function on the basis of materialism or feeling, or on senses alone. Love is a command first of all, then a decision to obey that command, feelings notwithstanding! When the honeymoon is over and tests invariably come, nice feelings may or may not be there, or they may come later, or come but rarely. Feelings come and go. The quality of a relationship is measured by how much one is willing to endure to maintain it. The reward and fruit of true love is certain—in God's good time, when His promises are claimed and clung to by faith.

Oak trees don't grow overnight. I can speak from experience, since I became a Seventh-day Adventist while my husband was a very strongly-committed and successful Lutheran minister. Crises survived bring a closeness otherwise not achieved. Is this hopeless idealism? Does this fail the test of real life? Does this pierce our souls with despair when we think how impossible is the ideal? We instinctively shrink from suffering or even inconvenience of any kind. Is 1 Corinthians 13:7 too strange for our modern ears? "It [love] always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres" [9].

The tragic fact is that the rate of broken homes in the Adventist church is almost the same as the world's. Sadly, we adopt too many of the world's standards. Modern culture (affluence, mobility, the media, etc.) tears at the very fiber of our families till it is almost in shreds. Writing from a human vantage point, I have nothing good to commend. When we look around us or inward, where is our hope? The darkness is deepening.

A hymn I've sung a lot says it well: "Nothing I see save failures and shortcomings, and weak endeavors crumbling into dust...." But, (the last verse says) "I look up into the face of Jesus. There my heart can rest, my fears are stilled. There is joy, and love, and light for darkness, and perfect peace, and every hope fulfilled."

God's Provision

When the first couple failed to live up to the pattern, God immediately placed His contingency plan into operation. As God's remnant people we proclaim a message of hope! The plan is still in effect, the provision provided. Let us claim, then proclaim! We look forward to the day when sin will have run its course, when twisted, crooked, broken relationships and wrongs will be righted and straightened out. We need not become frustrated with the way we think things cannot be, or discouraged with the way we know things are, or aggravated when we do not attain what we know is the ideal, or irritated when we cannot find what we are looking for.

Path to the Ideal

God's Word and the red books call us to aspire to the ideal of Christian marriage "in spite of." We cannot give up hope until Christ is formed in us, both as husbands and as wives. Our only hope in achieving godliness is the amazing grace still freely available at the foot of the cross. "I have been crucified with Christ" [10] ought to be our testimony. As Geoffrey Bull says, "We are all too keen on living, holding, grasping, and reigning. We forget it is our business to die."

Instead of constantly claiming "our rights" and assuming authority the Bible does not grant, let us humble ourselves. The cross covers our failures and assures us of victory. It is the first necessary step toward the ideal, and is the only deterrent to being inflated with self-righteousness or crushed by guilt.

"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the church, and gave himself for it;... That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish" [11]. In so doing (loving your wives as Christ loved the church), you actually share in the responsibility for their spiritual growth. In the light of such a charge, it will become the joy of us wives to appropriately submit to and respect you men, "as it is fit in the Lord."

Follow Scripture Models

We live in a day of disappearing absolutes, when the New Age concept that "we are all alike and one, as gods" is rapidly permeating society. Husbands, help us women to keep our Biblical role distinctions clear. Affirm us in those roles, and help us develop healthy and vibrant self-images that enable us to demonstrate liberty in expressing our individuality within those God-given roles. It will mean swimming upstream against a strong, almost worldwide current, but even a small number (remnant?) with God is a majority.

In all seriousness I ask you Adventist Christian husbands to care for us in all seriousness. Thus God can truly bless our marriages and our homes. Our children, too, will prosper spiritually and emotionally. God's blessing, as Dr. Leslie Hardinge defines it, is "the divine empowering to fulfill the intrinsic purpose for which you were created." I love that.

What a testimony to the world of the grace of God and the immutability of His law if those outside our church could look at us and see a people that mean business about following the Biblical model for manhood and womanhood, as we "look forward to the day of God and speed its coming." [12]